Wild Thoughts
by her name is erika
Summary: Nobody is safe. Not even her. / Or, the two times Victoria Newman bends and the one time she snaps and doesn't care.


**Wild Thoughts**  
 **show:** Young & the Restless  
 **central character:** Victoria Newman  
 **summary:** Nobody is safe. Not even her. / Or, the two times Victoria Newman bends and the one time she snaps and doesn't care.  
 **notes:** I wrote this because I was irritated with things on screen and was inspired to stretch the confines of what is shown. I made Victoria's head injury cause her darker behaviour here. Hope you enjoy it and if you don't like Victoria, your back button is available. As always, thank you for reading my stuff and forgive any typos. I tried my best to edit things but I'm human. This is equal parts psychological angst and horror. I just wanted to illustrate how dark a person's head get when there's a head injury. In real life, this isn't possible in terms of hearing voices and shit, but the emotional outbursts, rambling, and irritability are. I took some artistic license with it because I believe Abby should have triggered something in Victoria when she fell and hit her head as hard she did.  
 **disclaimer:** I don't own anything. I don't own Razor's Edge by Digital Daggers either.

* * *

 **1.**

 _(i think I'm lost_

 _i think I'm broken_

 _it's not what I wanted_

 _the verdict won't change)_

She's standing on a ledge with no bottom.

Victoria is looking down, wind in her hair and numbness in her body. Her heart is racing because it's normal and her ears are ringing because it's _becoming_ normal. The bottom isn't dark and uncertain anymore. She focuses her vision to see a flicker of orange there. Liquid falls on her skin like rain from a cloudy sky, but it's not rain.

It has a pungent smell, and feels corrosive on her skin. Fatter drops descend, the tiny sparks erupting into little flames. She can count them but it will make her head hurt further. Victoria can't afford that because she needs her pain in balance. If there's too much she can't concentrate. If there's too little, Victoria will lose focus.

Decisions. She likes to think she is proficient at making those nine times out of ten. Victoria glances down again, and yes, now she can see the bottom. Her lips quirk into a smile. She can see Jack's office and below his, lies Brash & Sassy. Her legacy. Her creation. Her livelihood. Her blood, sweat and tears. The smug bastard fields calls, looks at reports and declares war. It's fine but there's something powerful about sparks and potent about flames.

Victoria jumps and gravity cradles her like a child resting in its mother's arms.

—

The red jug of accelerant feels heavy and gets lighter as the gas falls in a steady stream. Jack's face goes from default smugness to alarm. She can hear his protest, his booming voice yelling at her at her to stop. When Jack's hand touches her arm, she feels a hand swing in an arm and collide with his cheek. His eyes widen in surprise and Victoria hears silence now. He must be speechless. Gas soaks his desk, turns reports with analyses and future projections transparent until the flow of gasoline shrinks and then stops. A book of matches is in her shaking hand and more sparks erupt against the friction of the cardboard.

She doesn't know how a small thing like a match ends up between her fingers. Victoria stares at the little flame on the end. Dancing, twisting with a blue center. Where it's the hottest. There's danger in the beauty. Maybe Victoria needs to embrace the dangerous, walk along the edge until she bleeds and there's nothing left.

Victoria raises her eyes to see Jack's eyes full of alarm.

He's gasping, coughing, and his voice remains jumbled. Gibberish.

"I told you," Victoria says, calmly as her lips quirk into a soft smile. "I told you not to push me. I told you not to use my company to beat Billy over the head. I told you not to underestimate me, Jack. I told you…"

The match falls from her fingers, hitting the ground. The flames erupt.

When Jack triggers smoke, she might as well help him with the fire.

She gives him a little push. That's all it is.

Victoria finds herself leaving. Flames touch her hands and caress her feet but it doesn't burn. Flames trail along the length of one leg and then up the other until they consume but they don't singe her skin and turn it dark. The wooden surface of the door splinters. She finds herself closing the door so loudly, it rattles and resting her hand on a doorknob that isn't supposed to be cool.

It's shaking.

She wonders what the hell she just does and questions why it feels so good.

—

"—it's nothing personal, Victoria. Just business."

Her hearing is surround sound and her sight is greater than 20/20.

Victoria smiles and shakes her head. It's hilarious how blasé he is and how stupid he thinks she is. He raises her as a child and have all kinds of history as an adult.

"You know what they say, don't you?" she replies, knowingly. "Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. You insult me considering how long we're known each other."

Jack leans back in his chair with a smirk.

"And when you take that into consideration, you should know nobody's out to get you. We're competitors. It surprises me that you've lost your thick skin."

Victoria lets her smile slip off her face and tosses her clutch on the couch behind. She walks up to his wooden desk and for some reason, she stares at his tie. It probably is comfortable but she wants to tighten it and choke Jack with it. She shakes her head.

"Oh, my skin is thick. My head, however, isn't. You hate Billy so much you want him to suffer which means Brash & Sassy suffers. Phyllis wants Brash & Sassy to crumble because she's under the delusion that evil me has chained him to my hip," Victoria theorizes, smoothly but defiant. There it is. That miniscule glint of revenge in his eyes. She continues, with a laugh when nothing is funny.

Jack smiles, speaking to her. "Paranoia isn't a good look."

"Neither is feigning ignorance," she shoots back. Victoria glares, something dark and wild in her blue eyes and placed her palms on the wooden desk and gets in his face. Jack Abbott. Stepfather. Longtime friend. Brother in law. Formidable, fair corporate opponent. Sorry, sad son of bitch. "There's the matter of Billy sleeping with your wife last year. That's what drives you crazy. Them together. All the time. In your face. It irritates you."

Victoria backs away laughing and grabs her clutch.

"My mother's using you as a weapon against my father. She finds out you came after me and company?" Victoria says again, shaking her head in mock worry. "She'll drop you and as always, my father will stomp on your neck."

"Hiding behind your parents, I see."

"How can do that when you're tying your own noose? I'm not the one standing on a three-legged chair waiting to be kicked over."

Jack's face goes from irritation with a hunt of fear and then cocky and confident.

He stands and locks gazes with her with a shrug, "Maybe I think you and Billy are destined."

"And maybe I think you and Phyllis are co-conspirators. It's a fact, really."

Jack looks away from her and turns attention to the papers that are burning. At least, in her head. She takes her clutch purse again, gripping it hard. Her heartbeat is slow and with one that passes, it sounds like a thunderclap. He raises his eyes to hers.

"Now, if you're done here…"

Victoria nods, "Yeah, I guess I'm done but don't do it, Jack."

"Do what?" Jack questions, continuing to act as though he's blameless. "We're healthy competitors. Your words."

She narrows her eyes, her face hard and stoicism crackling along her nerves like electricity.

"Don't fuck with me," she warns, with a dangerous kind of calm. It's foreign tune in her ears and comfortable on her lips. Maybe, just maybe, she's embracing the ruthlessness she suppresses. What a thought. "You saved me from drowning when I was a child. If you try me in any way, I will drown _you_."

Victoria storms off, and punches the elevator button to go downstairs. She does it a little harder than usual but it gives her a small amount of release.

The doors open and close when she steps inside.

A dark voice embedded in a shadowed island of her psyche speaks to her.

 _Why be a princess when you can be a queen, Victoria?_

She smiles to herself, looking at her reflection in the elevator.

* * *

 **2.**

 _(i've gone off the razor's edge_

 _thought it would be different_

 _was treading the water_

 _'til it took me under)_

She can use a quick movement of her index finger to open envelopes containing mail from places that are important but not all that pressing. There are mundane things she doesn't care to have Brash & Sassy involved in. Victoria remembers buying a letter opener of silver at some stationery place. She doesn't think to use it especially now but it cuts through envelopes like butter. She opens the last letter with the help of the silver instrument in her hands. Victoria cranes her neck to catch Billy's form about to step in. He's been her rock in all this and even her backbone. She appreciates that more than he will ever know. Right now, she's immersed in listening and negotiating a hard line with one of Brash & Sassy's distributors.

Everything's fine. Everything is still in order. Brash & Sassy is in reconstruction but thanks to Neil, isn't dead. Annoyance surges through her like an earthquake and the aftershocks are trying to crack her foundation. Cold mental rests in her hands. Absentmindedly, Victoria grips the flat length of the letter opener as her fingers close over it. The call is over and still, there's a death grip that causes friction between her skin and the steel blade. Everything's normal. The ringing is like a sharp whistle that cracks her bones, bone marrow leaking out like ink.

There's something sharp and then wetness on her hands. Pain and a sharp stinging comes soon after and snaps her back to attention. Victoria drops the letter opener, the blade stained with her blood. It clatters sharply on her desk.

"Damnit!" she curses, yelling. There's a cut at the base of her middle finger. It's small stain but so significant. It means so much and carries weight unbelievably heavy. Victoria feels the pain. It makes her wince but thankfully it's not deep or anything that requires stitches. The hospital says her problem with her head triggers nothing serious but a manageable, mild concussion. There's still pain and the cut isn't deep but blood wells to the top. Blue eyes are fixed to the way the light gives her blood a variety of red shapes. Bright cherry red to a dark crimson. This is how her head is. She's on a carousel of light and dark.

Victoria sometimes grows dizzy, other times nauseous but she's hanging on because this adrenaline is new.

—

"—Hey, Vick. I got that quarterly report and…" Victoria hears Billy trail off, and sees his face changing to one of alarm when he sees the blood. He rushes to her, pulling a couple tissues from the box on her desk. He takes her hand and puts pressure on the cut. "Holy shit. What happened?"

She winces, white slowly turning red.

"I'm ready to bleed for this company, but I didn't think you would take that literally."

"Sorry," Victoria apologizes and isn't sure if it's the right thing to do. "I decided to try out the new letter opener. Serves me right for not sticking to opening envelopes the old-fashioned way, I guess. Old-fashioned doesn't work for me anymore."

Billy glances at her curiously.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning," she answers with a sigh as Billy instructs her to keep applying pressure. Billy walks out of the office but he's still there most likely getting the First Aid. It's in a cupboard outside. "I'm tired of rising above. I can't do it anymore. I've always tried to be ethical but I can't anymore."

Billy reappears with a First Aid Kit. He's disinfecting her cut and it stings again.

"You didn't take your finger clear off."

"Thank goodness."

"You mean that or are you being sarcastic?"

Billy questions, concentrated on digging around a moderately sized Band Aid and wraps it around her finger twice.

"Both."

He's concentrated on digging around a moderately sized Band Aid and when he finds it, he wraps it around her finger tighter. There's comfortable warmth underneath Billy's fingertips. Victoria knows him. Really knows him and she's just noticing now. Oh.

"Damn good job if I do say so myself," he declares, proudly. He closes the white box and takes the letter opener away from her. He reopens the First Aid Kit and drops the silver object in there before closing it again. "I'll just take that from you. Now, what's this about wanting play dirty and not rising above anymore?"

"That's exactly what we are going to do. We're not stooping to Jack's level."

"Victoria, I thought you said—"

She cuts him off with a shake of her head and beams at him.

"You're misunderstanding me, Billy. We're not stooping to your brother's level. We're going to go lower. All bets are off. No more holding back."

Billy looks at her mildly stunned before he grins and his eyes light up. This is up his alley. For once, Victoria needs him to be a bull in Jabot's china stop. For once, she needs Billy to screw Jabot up and be destructive on their turf and make sure no part of that company can thrive. Except Fenmore's just for the fact that there's an exclusive contract in place. When Jabot is down, Victoria needs Billy continue kicking it down so she can step on its neck and never let it breathe again. He stares at her in scrutiny.

"Are you punking me right now?"

"No," she answers, very sure. Victoria levels him with a steely gaze. "I'm not. I'm dead serious. This is your expertise. I need you to use every insane idea you have. I need you to…use your superpowers of mischief for Brash & Sassy's benefit."

He grows silent and them Billy looks at her with a smirk and a twinkle in his eyes.

"Say no more, Vick. I called Kevin yesterday."

"Oh! How's he doing with…everything?"

"He's good, considering," Billy answers and then continues. "I called in a favour. The kind that can have him hacking so deeply into Jabot's servers even more, it's blown wide open."

"Good. Dig around."

Billy complies and moves to leave before stopping to look at her and Victoria has no idea why.

"What?"

"I don't know. Something off… Are you okay?"

"Yes. Why wouldn't I be?" Victoria questions with a raised brow.

"You seem a little…intense this morning. I mean, more intense than usual."

Victoria smiles at him, reassuringly. "Save your fussing for someone who needs it. I'm okay. I cut my finger and got clumsy. I'm not dying but thank you, Billy. I appreciate everything you've done and how much you've stepped up. You're risking everything to help me."

"No problem and besides, I've always been a risk taker but you knew that."

Victoria sighs, smiling softly at him now.

"Yeah… I did."

Billy gives her a playful salute and leaves. When he's gone, Victoria collapses into her office chair and closes her eyes for a brief second. She exhales and opens them. She's at the office. She's at her company. It will all work itself out especially if Jabot Cosmetics' blood lands on her hands and dries between the lines of her palms. Victoria finds herself transfixed to the beige bandage placed to heal what she does without thinking. Maybe she was thinking about it. Maybe on some deep part of her brain left untouched until now drives her to it. Maybe. Her head is swimming in different scenarios, and infinite possibilities.

Victoria stares at the Band Aid again. She tries to see beige again and tries to feel the soft cotton underneath, caressing what is broken underneath. But she can't see it anymore.

All she can see is the brightest shade of scarlet she ever lays eyes on.

There's a shadow. It has no name, no form and isn't tangible but it can touch her. It's been touching her in the dark and Victoria doesn't push it away anymore. It's not like it will obey or listen to her. It digs its fingers into the back of her head and tears at her brain. The dark twists and bends in the soft blue pathways underneath her skin and plays with her eyes. Today, it's playing with her ears. Filtering out what she wants to hear and what she is allowed to hear. Victoria barely resists the urge to tear the secure bandage off with her teeth just so she can see scarlet against her skin again.

 _Rulers bleed all the time. Rulers make others bleed. And sometimes, they kill, darling._

* * *

 **3.**

 _(quick retreating_

 _so stuck in these feelings_

 _i'm taking the beating_

 _it won't let me go, go, go)_

Elevator shafts.

Victoria never really gives them much thought. It's just one part of an elevator. The shaft of the elevator guides the path of the elevator carrying people. There are two options available: up or down. There's the choice to rise or sink. It's not something that just happens by chance but it's all manmade. Mechanical. Elevator shafts are sort of purgatory between here and there. She's leaving for one reason of the other. Victoria can't really remember because the reason leaves her no matter how much she struggles to grasp it. Could it be Reed? Could it have anything to do with Johnny or Katherine needing her? Probably not. Victoria can hear herself exhale and inhale again. It's quiet out here and her eyes scan around, trying to find anybody. Another person.

Victoria does a 360 degree with her eyes. There's no one. Not Jack. Not Ashley. Not even Ravi. She sighs and turns around to wait for the elevator but stops mid-step. There's a gaping hole where the elevator car should be. Maintenance should take care of this. That's the sane option. For safety's sake, the elevator needs to be fixed or someone could fall in. Her heart nearly stops when she sees Phyllis. Not because she's affected or shocked but because it's kind of serendipitous.

She marches over and yells Phyllis' name, angrily.

The other woman turns around and rolls her eyes, meeting her icy stare but fiery defiance.

"Oh, God. You…"

Victoria glances around her to the hole with yellow tape making an X across the space. An X means something isn't supposed to be there. Yellow is a bright colour. It's as warm as the sun, brilliant as gold and as dangerous as the amber eyes of a predator in the dark.

"Yeah," Victoria chuckles. "Me. You sent Benjamin Hochman my way to destroy my company."

"Are you serious?" Phyllis questions, with a frown on her lips. She stares at Victoria incredulous and annoyed. "I didn't make you sleep with him. You could have said no but you sure did yes. All night into the morning. One of us did a Walk of Shame, honey and it wasn't me! Paranoia is catching up with you. Get help. There's something wrong with you."

"Jack said the same thing," she observes, face pensive. She turns her eyes on Phyllis again. "It's funny how you think Billy is conjoined to me when you're tied to Jack the same way."

"I really don't have the time to hear your delusions."

Phyllis turns around and moves back from the hole in the wall to wait for the other elevator. Victoria isn't delusional. She's not insane or crazy. She's not headed to an institution. However, she will do anything to save Brash & Sassy and remove anything in the way. Victoria drops her bag on the floor and smirks at Phyllis' back.

"I prefer elevators too," she says, innocently. "God forbid _I_ fall down the stairs."

She sees the other woman bristle and then slowly turn around.

"What the hell did you just say to me?"

"I was merely pointing out the benefits of using the elevator over using the stairs. I personally think elevators are safer," she explains in that tone used in the boardroom. The smile slips off her face and the abyss behind Phyllis needs someone to claim. It needs someone to drag down so they can land somewhere bottomless. She continues, speaking in that icy tone that scares even her as normal as it sounds. "Then again, you can't really guarantee anything is truly safe, can you? Kind of like this broken elevator."

Victoria shoves Phyllis toward the empty elevator shaft and there's that flicker of fear in her eyes. She should feel that kind of fear. Phyllis cries out, grabbing the side of the hole for safety. No, no. Phyllis doesn't get to feel safe. She doesn't get to have the stability and surety when Victoria is choking on uncertainty so intense, it churns her stomach. It leaves her without sleep, without an appetite and without a light in this long, black tunnel. It leaves her so physically nauseous she stops talking to Reed mid-sentence because she can feel herself about to throw up. She barely makes it to the upstairs bathroom before Victoria is puking up whatever little bit of her lunch is there.

"Are you insane?" Phyllis asks her, almost growling. Her eyes widen in surprise and shock. "Did you just… you're crazy!"

"No," Victoria answers, calmly. "I'm not crazy. I'm not insane. I told you even the elevators weren't guaranteed to be safe. Like right now."

Victoria shoves her again with more force and this time, there's nothing for Phyllis to hold onto and there's no safe area to catch her as she falls. Maybe Victoria's physically stronger than she looks. Hmm. Phyllis is screaming. Victoria hears her screaming for help even when she continues to go into a land of nowhere down below. Then the screams stop. Everything goes silent and Victoria backs away, finding it hard to breathe. Resting a hand on the door to the stairwell, she forces air to her windpipe down to her lungs to silence the whistling in her head. Victoria raises a hand to her temple and rubs it to erase that voice in her head. It's there. It's always there. It's beyond the concussion medicine says is afflicting her and she knows it.

 _You've done well, Victoria. You'll be a beautiful monster soon._

—

"—hot elevator sex…"

Victoria stares at Phyllis and laughs. She's genuinely amused.

Phyllis gloats and all Victoria can do is laugh. Is something like that supposed to be bother her? Is something like that meant to faze her and shake her? If that is the case, she has failed miserably. Phyllis is known in Genoa City for being this fiery woman who feels things deeply, this passionate woman. Phyllis Summers is this woman who scorches things and people but Victoria is here in her cocoon of ice. If her Billy Abbott history is correct, he marries her three times, share two children, years of history, plus an infinite of knowledge when it comes to Billy's quirks and habits.

As for who Billy sleeps with, Victoria isn't bothered by that. Once upon a time, it does. Call it a reflex or an unhealthy habit of being a wife mentally when she isn't legally. Somewhere along the way, that reflex melts away and she's fine being his friend. Parents who work together. Colleagues who are perfect partners. These days, these good times outweigh hard, painful times of the past. She knows Billy very well in bed too.

"I love how you tell me that it'll make melt into a heaping pile of devastation. Insecurity still fits you so much you sent Benjamin Hochman my way to get me away from me. And hey, if it destroys Brash & Sassy, it's a bonus for you, isn't it?"

Phyllis steps up to her. "Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to screw him. You could have said no," she grins and it's her turn to laugh. "It's a pattern with you. Screwing men before you get to know them. Fucking strangers must get you wet, huh?"

She grows silent. Maybe there's some truth to that. Victoria knows that it's one of her fatal flaws. One of her twisted inclinations. But for all his sleaziness, Benjamin is an attractive man. As for everything being aired on GC Buzz, it horrifies her at first. Then she realizes she's a Newman and anyone marked with that name becomes media targets. All the same, it's the principle of the matter.

"I'll give you that," Victoria concedes after some thought. "Although, I have to point out your pattern as well. It's only fair."

"Take your best shot, Victoria."

"Okay," she replies, nonchalantly. "You seem to have this unhealthy pattern of latching on to men who don't love you in the end. Hmm. Danny Romalotti loved Christine—"

"Shut your mouth," Phyllis warns, with a quiet hiss.

"—oh! Then there's that time, you left Jack for my brother. Nick found himself drawn to Sharon and her bed. You groveled and begged and well…you know, the rest—"

"Shut the hell up, Victoria, or I'll shut you up…"

"I'm not done, bitch!" Victoria screams, eyes flashing with rage too big for her. Slender fingers itch to wrap themselves around Phyllis' throat. That picture. That freeze frame of Phyllis being pulled down in the darkness in her fantasy keeps her from following through. Victoria has three children at home who need her there and free from attempted murder charges, at the very least. "It's bothering you. The way Billy and I work well into the night with our heads together, how well we work together. He confides in me, tells me things he probably doesn't tell you because…what's the word he used? Right," she snaps her fingers in mocking realization. "He used the word furious to describe you…how you would be enraged with him working at Brash & Sassy and he had to make you understand. Placate you, essentially. Maybe you and Jack can get matching nooses. You're going to hang yourself right next to him."

The elevator opens and before she steps out, she turns to Phyllis.

"If you're going to continue plotting against my company, _don't_."

"I've destroyed women twice your size, okay? You don't scare me and the idea that I should be is a joke," Phyllis replies, with a sneer. "How about you take your passive aggressive threats elsewhere to someone will value them."

Victoria looks Phyllis up and down.

"Continue taking elevators. Last time, you fought with the stairs, you lost. Terribly."

Victoria strides away as the elevator doors close. She heads to the parking garage with her shadows looming behind her.

—

 _fin._


End file.
